Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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