you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
