The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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