I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
