Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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