Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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