I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We had to coat check the pizza.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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