I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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