Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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