4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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