Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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