Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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