You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My ass is underappreciated
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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