Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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