I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
