you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
