Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
