What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
