please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
