my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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