If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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