I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
