Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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