How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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