the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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