Its about making memories worth repressing
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
