I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
