Swine flu. Run for my life!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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