If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
