I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
