Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You ruined the universe
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
