ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just made my gag reflex go away.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
