dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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