Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I could make wine with my vomit
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
