i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
