Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
