I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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