Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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