i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
