Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
