I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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