i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
