I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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