First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
