The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
