I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
