I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
