Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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