I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
