We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
