Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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