First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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