We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
