It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
this boner is exhausting
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I understand Curling. That high.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
