If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
