Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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