between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
